The
Immortal Death
Writing has always been a way to reveal myself .That’s
why I keep on writing things... But today I'm writing because I want to really
understand one thing... and that is Death. I know people have so many schools of
thoughts for explaining it. They say it as an end of journey. Some say it is a
beginning of a new life. Few wants it so that they are relieved with the
material pains and some are scared of it as it will take them away from this
world. Their loved ones, or may be just the worldly happiness. But still the
question remains unanswered. Moreover what does a person feels like when he/she
is dying... I know the fact that such question can never be answered.
I don’t know why but today there are so many
questions which are arising in front of me. Does soul really exist...? Or is it
mere faith of us that it is there? And if exist then why can't we see it or
feel it? Why it does not remember its previous life history? Well these
questions were asked to me by one of my friend who made my mind wonder over it.
Should we really believe in d books which give us all things about soul and
previous life things...?
I believe in God. May be more than what I believe
in myself and strongly feel that He's there always with me. Looking after me and
taking care of me. But believing in God and believing in such theories does it
really link? I seriously have no idea. Somehow we believe in few things just
blindly. Without even giving it a second thought.
May be you'll think what happened to me suddenly
that I am writing and putting all these questions. I'm like always happy and
smiling person and not really the one who thinks so much over things. But today
something made me think over it. It was one of my patient’s death. She expired
may be just few minutes before I entered the IRCU. Her name was Saibina (name
changed). A dark complexioned female who was hefty physically. Like almost
three to four people would be needed to lift her body. She was admitted in IRCU
on Monday. Yes... On Monday only... I remember I and Jeenam were there in ICU
when on Monday she got bad was exacerbating badly. After that she was intubated.
We never had to give her chest Physiotherapy as she was never referred to us.
But still her death made a difference to me. This was the third death I saw in
IRCU since last 10 days. Leelabai (name changed) was the first to leave us. She
was really a cute patient. I can never forget the way she talked to us and put
her hands on our heads blessing us. I was really attached to her. May be few relations
can never be understood. They are without any name. It is more than just a
doctor and patient relationship.
One fine day when I entered the IRCU laughing on a
joke. I saw Leelabai ... This time wrapped in white cloth...! Hard luck was
like I could not even see her face once.
Then it was Nanaji (name changed) patient. I saw
him d very first day. He was smiling and was doing all the exercises told by me
very religiously. But even he developed complications and expired. His body was
out before I was in IRCU when he expired. But for Saibina, I saw her lying on the
bed when she was with ventilator till she was calmly sleeping in the white
cloth. I could not take my eyes away from her. I was constantly just doing my
work with a blank mind. Thinking what next, where is she actually gone? To God…
really? If not...then where exactly...? What would have been her last thought
which came to her mind? Was it that she wants to live more for her family, or
she actually wanted to get rid of that painful condition she was in...? So many
questions are still unanswered. Her body was as calm and quite as may be she
was never. Her daughter came and saw her. Did she really not listen to her cry?
Was she in such a deep sleep that she could not even get up at her child's cry?
She was so silent... so still... Her eyes were closed as if they were never
open...
I was just in my own world of thoughts and I saw
Ameya. He came near her and even he was still. What was in his mind? Was he
even the same state of mind as I was? Just blank... without any thoughts.
I've seen so many deaths before when I was posted
in other ICUs. But somehow I never felt like this before. In Gastro ICU it was
my liver transplant patient and then Splenectomy patient whom I've seen taking his
last breath in front of me. I was depressed for them also. In fact they were
young boys. Still to see this world… and before they could see anything, they
were out of this world.
Being a doctor I know I should not be so much into
such things. Because whatever happens, the show must go on. Misery is that we
can't even drop a tear for our patient, because there are other patients to be
seen and taken care of. People think we don't have feelings. The patient is
lying critical in front and we're having our food there. We're still asking
their relatives to fill the forms and do all formalities. We do have
feelings... We actually feel sad when any of our patients do not survive... But
what are we suppose to do then? Today when I was looking at the dead patient,
but I was still working. I don't know what made me so strong today that I was
all normal. Was it experience? But then why did I still feel bad when her
daughter cried. I have no answer... May be because of this I'm writing today...
My best way to express myself...!
Questions are unanswered... Thoughts still there...
But still if there is a soul of Saibina... I pray to God to let it rest it
peace...
(Note: Names of the patient’s changed on the
request of a friend. This blog was written long time back. But could not post it
at the same time. Thanks for reading it.)
